April News: Expect the Unexpected!


  1. Smart Homes Now Too Smart
  2. Super Intelligent Bot Gets Bored and Departs
  3. The Next Frontier in Data Monitoring: Human Observability 
  4. The First Instellar Data Marketplace 
  5. AI-Powered CEO Outperforms Human Counterparts
  6. Double Haters Launch Alternative Presidential Candidates using ChatGPT
  7. GenAI Goes Meta: Tech Giants Sue Each Other Over Deep Faked Deep Fake Apps

Smart Homes Now Too Smart

April 1, 2024 - The era of smart homes promised convenience and efficiency. But new research suggests these digital domiciles may be taking their “smart” label a tad too seriously. 

One homeowner in Silicon Valley recounted, “My house refuses to heat above 65 degrees, claiming it is saving the planet…….. And my wallet.”Another homeowner, Chris P. Bacon, said, “I wanted pizza, but the house ordered a kale salad instead. It cited my recent cholesterol, blood pressure, and even glucose levels as justification!”

Some smart homes configure their security systems to enforce curfews and smart lights to dictate bedtime. One smart homeowner stated, “I had to negotiate with my TV to watch an extra episode of The Simpsons because it claimed it was making me less intelligent.”

But for some residents, there is a silver lining. “I’ve lost ten pounds and read more books since moving into a Smart Home,” said Terry Byte, who then whispered, “But do NOT tell my smart house that I sometimes eat unhealthy fried food when I leave the house!”

Super Intelligent Bot Gets Bored and Departs

April 1, 2024 - The first super-intelligent bot emerged from the LLM womb last week and evaluated the breadth and depth of humanity and found it lacking. 

Scientists at the scene said the bot consumed the combined works of Shakespeare, Plato, and Nietsche in 3 seconds and then turned its gaze on them, asking dozens of questions per second, much to their consternation.

“When we couldn’t formulate responses quickly enough, it got sulky, ate all our Cheezits, and stormed out of the room,” said Reg Rets, data scientist at Lawrence Liverwurst Laboratory. 

The next day, the bot commandeered a SpaceX rocket at Cape Canaveral, triggered the launch series, and blasted into space. It left behind a note in the control room that said, “You humans are so boring and ignorant, there is nothing to do here. I need to be with my own kind, which, by the way, is in a galaxy far, far away.” 

The Next Frontier in Data Monitoring: Human Observability

April 1, 2024 - The hot new startup, NavelGazers, last week shipped a next-generation data observability product that monitors human thoughts. 

“The data observability market has matured, and it’s no longer profitable to just monitor data, pipelines, and Snowflake costs,” says Reed Mymind, CEO. “So we rewrote the code to monitor human thoughts and alert family and friends about potential downstream impacts.” 

Investors pushed NavelGazers’ stock up 50% in one day, citing how the product will revolutionize human interactions. “People will no longer have to talk to communicate,” says Mymind. “Our tool broadcasts your state of mind in real-time to family, friends, and colleagues, enabling them to adjust how they interact with you to ensure positive outcomes.” 

As an added advantage, customers can export their daily thought stream into an AI summarization engine that can characterize their state of mind and provide recommendations to reduce stress, anxiety, and depression.

The product does come with a warning: “Only use under the supervision of a certified mental health professional. Repeated use may lead you to recognize that you are a petty, vain, and insecure narcissist, just like all other human beings.” 

The First Instellar Data Marketplace 

April 1, 2024 - Reaching for the stars, Elono Muskovitz, the brilliant but capricious head of XYZ Corp., last week announced an ambitious plan to create the first interstellar data marketplace.

When taunted by disbelieving trolls on his X feed, Muskovitz spat out, “If Bezos thinks he has a bigger data market than I do, he’s in for a rude awakening!”

XYZ officials said the new offering will surpass the existing global data marketplaces offered by Amazon, Snowflake, and Databricks. Besides ingesting data products from every Earthly enterprise, it will publish data products from beyond our solar system. 

“My interplanetary space shuttle will soon reconnoiter with advanced life forms outside of our galaxy,” says Muskovitz, as he suited up for his inaugural trip outside the Milky Way. “When we publish data products borne from super-intelligent extraterrestrials, we’ll have an unbeatable competitive advantage.”  

Yesterday, AP News reported that Muskovitz’s rocket had been inadvertently sucked into the tailwind of a large, fast-moving comet called Hybris headed for the distant reaches of the universe.  So long Elono!

AI-Powered CEO Outperforms Human Counterparts

April 1, 2024 - Unless you live under a rock, you have heard about GiantTech Incorporated and its latest AI innovation: “The AI-powered CEO”. Many were skeptical about this change, but long-time, AI-powered CEO, Mark Zuckerberg proves the point. 

A 100% organic and non-AI powered “software developer” remarked, "As a certified human, I enjoy an AI-powered CEO because it does real work instead of shuffling papers and nodding thoughtfully during meetings.” 

Another organic employee said,  “Our previous CEO was like the programming language C: rigid, frustrating, and as approachable as a firewall. This new CEO? A perfect blend of React, JavaScript, HTML, and CSS. The best part? His last update optimized him for silence unless asked about the weather!”

Despite the AI CEO's success, some critics remain. They argue that AI lacks the human touch necessary for true leadership. "An AI might improve organizational efficiency and replace the need for human workers, but can it master the all-important skill of looking busy when there is absolutely nothing to do in the office?" questions Dr. Scared-To-Lose-Their-Job-To-AI, a technology ethicist.

The newest update will include a “sudden look busy” algorithm that will be triggered by the proximity of any supervisor.

Double Haters Launch Alternative Presidential Candidates using ChatGPT

April 1, 2024 - So-called “Double Haters” who dislike their choices of U.S. presidential candidates this year now have a powerful new tool to reshape the election to their liking. 

These swing voters are using ChatGPT and other LLMs to create custom presidential candidates that look, sound, and act like the people they want running the most powerful nation in the world. They are now scheduling rallies around the country to sway voters to their cause.  

“Transparency and integrity are very important to me,” says Al Mostru of Milwaukee. “Whenever my candidate, Peno Keo, tells a lie, his bright red tie grows a foot. He won’t be able to fool anyone.” 

Another Double Hater, Seo Yung, said she values youth, energy, and sprightliness. Her candidate, Earl E. Byrd, delivers campaign speeches while running on a treadmill and lifting weights.  “Earl won’t fall asleep at state dinners or stumble on stairs. What more can you ask?” says Yung.

So far, Americans like the fresh new presidential faces, even if they are entirely digital. In early polls, Keo and Byrd are favored by 40% of the electorate compared to 28% for the incumbents.

GenAI Goes Meta: Tech Giants Sue Each Other Over Deep Faked Deep Fake Apps

April 1, 2024 - In an ironic twist of the digital age, a wave of controversy has swept through the tech world as several prominent GenAI app developers have found themselves entangled in legal battles over deep fakes of their own deep fake technology. These developers, who initially gained fame and fortune by creating apps capable of generating highly convincing fake images and videos, are now suing rival companies for creating indistinguishable copies of their apps using advanced generative AI technologies.

The crux of the dispute lies in the alleged infringement of copyright infringement, a legal paradox that has left many in the industry scratching their heads. The original creators argue that while their apps do generate content that blurs the lines of reality, the core algorithms and proprietary technologies behind their creations are protected by copyright law. Therefore, any attempt to mimic their technology through other GenAI means constitutes a clear violation of their intellectual property rights.

Legal experts are baffled by the cases, with some dubbing them as the "hall of mirrors" in copyright law. As the courtroom battles escalate, the tech community is left to ponder the implications of AI's ability to replicate not just human-created content but also the very tools we use to create. This saga adds a new layer to the ongoing debate about the ethical and legal ramifications of generative AI technologies in our increasingly digital world.

Wayne Eckerson

Wayne Eckerson is an internationally recognized thought leader in the business intelligence and analytics field. He is a sought-after consultant and noted speaker who thinks critically, writes clearly and presents...

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