April News - With a Kick!
Data Mesh Relieves Guilt and Depression
BOSTON, MA - April 1, 2023. Since the dawn of data warehouses, data teams have been afflicted by a low-grade form of depression that has cast a pall on data operations worldwide. But now data teams are emerging from this mental morass thanks to the data mesh.
“We were taught that data silos are bad, but no matter what we did, they kept proliferating,” says John Centerhold, a VP of data & analytics at a large financial services firm. “My team and I have always felt guilty about that, causing some of us to slip into a debilitating depression.”
Today, John and his team are feeling much better thanks to the data mesh, which gives organizations license to create data silos ad infinitum. “We’ve been assured that the data mesh turns data silos into business domains which create standard data products for enterprise consumption,” Centerhold says. “My team is liberated! Hallelujah!”
Just to be safe, however, the U.S. Psychiatry Association, in conjunction with Kimon & Associates, has developed a hotline for data professionals in case their data mesh turn into data mush, and they suffer a major relapse of data-driven guilt and depression.
Powerful Data Catalog Spawns a Mini Black Hole
BOSTON, MA - April 1, 2023. Soon after a Boston-area insurance company deployed its new data catalog from Cosmos Software, the tool began sucking up not just data assets but furniture, wall hangings, lamps, and a small dog, much to the distress of its owner.
“We knew that Cosmos was an industrial-strength data catalog, but we didn’t expect it to reach beyond the realm of metadata into tangible things,” said Melvin Mirakles, director of enterprise data governance at the insurance company. “Scientists tell us it probably triggered a small, short-lived black hole.”
Executives at Cosmos Software are ecstatic. “We’ve passed the ultimate performance benchmark!” exclaimed Al Ation, president of Cosmos. “Our rivals have tested the product and are speechless… well, actually, they’ve disappeared!”
Stock in Cosmos skyrocketed as investors recognized the value of Cosmos for interstellar space travel. Meanwhile, company engineers are devising safeguards to ensure the product doesn’t consume its customers, literally!
Gracie’s Advice Column: “How do I Resolve my Data Fabric Vs. Data Mesh Family Conflict?”
April 1, 2023
My family is a devout follower of The Data Fabric. But my boyfriend Bruno is a charismatic Data Mesher. I think he could be the guy I want to be in a one-to-one relationship with forever. My parents have made it clear that he's not welcome in their home because of his belief in distributed data products. Bruno says my family’s notions of an all-knowing central data authority are outdated. My parents have threatened to disown me if I don't end my relationship with him immediately. How can I bridge the gap between these people that I love? How can I be the associative entity that brings us all together in a happy many-to-many relationship?
Dear Almost Orphaned,
If I had a nickel every time family relationships were blown up over Data Fabric versus Data Mesh, I'd have a lot of nickels.
Look, people become dogmatic about their architectural choices because they help make a complex and chaotic world more understandable. Their architectures give them answers to difficult questions and provide a soothing sense of certainty. When they encounter different ideas, this undermines their sense of certainty.
The irony here is that your parents' and Bruno's architectures are not as different as they think. Data Mesh and Data Fabric both seek to bring the life-giving powers of data to the masses. So they already have that in common. I bet that what they also have in common is some secretly held doubts about their approaches.
This is my suggestion for you. Talk to them separately about their architectural doubts. See where they overlap. Then bring them together on neutral ground and show them the uncertainties that they share. I leave you with this quote from the film Doubt:
"Doubt can be a bond as powerful and sustaining as certainty. When you are lost, you are not alone."
See if you can create a bond of doubt. Good luck!
Yours in Data,
Indecision Intelligence: The Next Big Thing? Still Deciding
TORONTO, ON - April 1, 2023. Data and analytics start-up, Indecision Intelligence, launched its new product today called Punt! Its patent pending "Can Kicker" methodology uses machine learning to identify decisions that can be delayed through endless analysis. The company claims that customers will never make a wrong decision because, as Punt!'s slogan says, "a decision can't be wrong if you don't make it."
CEO Antonio Sempadiffere announced the launch of Punt! in his keynote speech at this year's Government Operational Overplanning (GOO) conference. "After twelve years in stealth mode, Punt! finally indicated that we had run out of reasons to delay the launch.", he explained. "I'd say we eat our own dog food, but we're still analyzing cliché options to use in our launch campaign."
Decision delay represents a hot new product class in data and analytics. According to industry experts at Arrogans Research, the market for decision delay software and services is worth over $31 trillion in the public sector alone. "This is an enormous untapped market", said principal analyst Quincy "Pickles" Hackenbush. "I honestly don't understand why more vendors haven't decided to dive in." Currently, Punt! stands alone in the research firm’s Rectangles of Wizardry report.
First Data Billionaire Flashes a Happy Face
SUTTER CREEK, CALIFORNIA - April 1, 2023. Inspired by 19th-century gold diggers, James Marshall, a computer science dropout from Sutter Creek, California with lots of time on his hands, decided to look for modern-day gold. He started browsing the internet and soon hit a jackpot.
“Unbelievable!” he remarked. “I found a terabyte of emoji usage data that was free and untapped.” Marshall quickly turned the emoji data into hundreds of products which he posted on Amazon and Snowflake data marketplaces.
His timing was impeccable. Just as Marshall published his data products, the Global Psychotherapy Association announced a causal link between emoji usage and mental ill-health. This created a feeding frenzy among pharmaceutical companies eager to use Marshall’s data to develop new lines of anti-depressants.
Within a month, Marshall banked $1.5 million, and by year’s end, his revenues cracked a billion dollars, making him the first data billionaire. When asked what he plans to do with his extraordinary rise to riches, Marshall flashed an iconic “happy face” as he entered a bank to convert some of his emoji wealth into original 1849 gold coins.
Gracie’s Advice Column: “Will My AI App Put My Beloved Boss Out of Work?”
- April 1, 2023.
I'm a data scientist in the marketing department. My boss, the VP of marketing, wants me to create an AI-driven data application that tells him what decisions to make. I asked him to clarify the decisions he wanted input on. He said all of them.
This is a really interesting project that's going to stretch my development skills. So, I'm pretty excited to work on it. But what if I'm successful? Why would the company need my boss if I create a data application that does his most important function for him? I like my boss. He's easy to work for and grades on a curve. I don't want to lose him. What do I do?
Dear Accidental Executioner,
I wouldn't worry about coding your boss out of a job. Chances are he'll ignore what your app tells him unless it validates his "gut". So pull up a chair and enjoy a nice healthy portion of "business as usual" with a side dish of "unrealistic expectations".
Yours in Data,
Data Catalog’s Newest Features: Ice Cream Flavored Data Products
COLLEGE STATION, TX - April 1, 2023. Innovations continue to flow out of the data software industry. Recognizing the User Experience is one of the most important factors to increase adoption of a data catalog, several vendors began to offer the ability to infuse flavor and aroma into the data products.
“We should treat data products just like any other consumer products,” says Benjamin Jerry, the CEO of a new Data Catalog software firm, Data Dream Inc. “Our data consumers can smell and taste their favorite ice cream when they check-out a data product from our catalog.” Data Dream offers a plugin that will dispense specific aroma and flavor according to the data product that the user accesses.
Poor user experience has often been a roadblock to the success of data governance endeavors. By innovating and improving the user experience of data catalog, Data Dream offers a human-centric approach to data leaders and Chief Data Officers.